No Title For This Post..

I really don't even know how I should write, or even start this post. I've been wanting to write it for quite some time now, but the words don't write themselves, and they certainly aren't easy ones to type.

In the past I've hinted about out struggles when it comes to having children. I always refer to our precious daughter as our little miracle, and every now and then, I'll even mention how long it took for us to finally have her. Well, to those wondering, here are the details. Very few people know them, and I've even managed to keep most of this from our families. Why have I kept quiet for all these years? Honestly, because (and I know I'm not the only one..) I have felt ashamed, and broken; Like I was less of a woman because I can't have children as easily as most women.

When my husband and I got married, at barely 18 & 19, we decided to leave our hands in God's and trust in His timing when it came to having children. I had always known that I wasn't "normal" and knew that babies wouldn't come easily for us, so it wasn't a difficult decision for us to make. Of course, we didn't share this with many people because of our age. Seriously though, what would you say to someone married at 18 about having kids? Don't worry, we heard it all anyways, despite keeping our plans to ourselves.

In June 2008, I had my first miscarriage. I was so shocked. I mean, I knew this sort of thing happened, but, to me? I did my fair share of research, and found out that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. At the time, this fact helped me get through it. We really weren't sure how to handle the situation, and kept it to ourselves. How do you even bring that up in conversation? "Hi there, just wanted to let you know that I was pregnant, but now I'm not..." Not exactly something that just pops out of your mouth.

At this point we were starting to get frustrated, and scared that we'd never be blessed with children. This was extremely hard to face, and weighed heavily on out hearts. The following year, in April I was hospitalized due to a ruptured ovarian cyst. This is when a very kind doctor told me that my chances of conceiving were slim to none. Pure devastation. I had suspected it all along, but never did I want to hear those words. He said that my first miscarriage had probably been the result of my body rejecting the pregnancy. How's that for feeling broken?

Much to our surprise, just two weeks after hearing those words, two little pink lines showed up on a home pregnancy test. With a much guarded hope, the weeks & months passed wonderfully. 9 months later, our precious darling daughter was born. What a sweet, perfect little blessing.

We laughed, naive, thinking our struggles were over. We had been given an amazing gift; a perfect little miracle! We thought we were invincible. That bubble was burst months after our daughter was born, when I had a second miscarriage. Then, months after that, the third. I assumed my body just wasn't ready yet. Again, we kept to ourselves.

I had found comfort in talking to others in similar situations. It was nice to openly discuss my angel babies with others, and the pain, anger, and frustration that goes along with it. I felt to ashamed to tell anyone who hadn't shared similar experiences. What if they'd think it was because of something I did wrong? What if they looked at me like I was less of a woman because of it? What if my family looked down on my for not being able to provide my husband with children? I just didn't know how to handle those thoughts..

In October of 2011, I had my 4th miscarriage.  I can honestly tell you that this didn't come as a surprise to us.

There isn't really much more to say about our 5th loss. My heart is still aching, just as it does for all of our children in heaven. I just had so much hope this time around. It seemed like we were being blessed with a second miracle when things progressed so well.. Never had I before been able to see my babies via Ultrasound, other than with little Miss, let alone see a wonderful little heart beating. So far, this has been the worst for us. While they have all been painful, I feel as though this time around we've completely lost hope. I don't think I have the strength to go through this again. Only God knows if I'll ever have another child, but all we can do is pray.

I'll never be able to meet or hold my babies on this side of Heaven, but I miss them with each passing day.

“For there is one God and one mediator between God and mankind, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all people. This has now been witnessed to at the proper time.” -1 Timothy 2:5-6